A Loving Quaraspondence
Pandemic Survival Discoveries + A Dynasty Livestream!
Darlings,
How nice it is to sit and write to you! We hope it’s nice to receive, and that you’re in a good happy space and that you’re healthy and have been using your at home time to go on *an epic inward journey of self-discovery* and that you’ve discovered at least three new things to love and or to love about yourself, or just discovered something interesting! If you haven’t yet, we CHALLENGE you!
Some examples from our own lives:
Turns out, Vanessa loves to paint with watercolors! And she’s also very bad at it, with no real interest in the discipline it would take to improve. But she’s so bad that the very fact that she still loves it despite her lack of skill is actually loveable! Good news: you can thoroughly, shamelessly enjoy things you’re rotten at! Another discovery is that lavender, while seemingly hearty, is actually kind of tricky to care for. Is it drooping because it’s over watered? Drooping because it’s thirsty? A quick google ('net search) provides the horrible news that: both are equally possible. Will she kill it with thirst or kill it by drowning? Or will they get to know each other and somehow both learn some important lessons in the process? That the lavender, bought to soothe her nerves is bringing on near hourly waves of panic in Vanessa is the ultimate flarpin’ irony. Will Vanessa’s lavender survive? While this isn’t the first time Vanessa has become neurotically involved with one of her house plants, it IS the most intense. Please send good vibes to Lavidia*. *The ailing plant.
Jamie meanwhile has stayed incredibly busy playing with sculpting clay and miniature animals and babies. He made a little video about a baby climbing a mountain (to save humanity obv). THEN, shortly after that, he was reading an article on how to love himself (just to brush up, definitely no major issues coming to light in self isolation) and the article randomly asserted that “asking a person who only knows conditional love to give you unconditional love is like… expecting a baby to climb a mountain.” He’s still meditating on the significance of that, but let’s be clear, it’s significant as flarpin’ flarp. He also made the time to discover that he surprisingly enjoyed Danny Boyle’s romantic comedy Yesterday, despite never wanting to see it pre-pandemic. Don’t get him wrong, there are some major plot holes and glaring missed opportunities with the premise, but if you’re looking for a lighthearted high concept romp to connect to some deep feelings while eating handfuls of walnuts and raisins (which we can all agree is the official healthy snack of quarantine 2020), this is one of 600 currently available on 158 streaming platforms. Perhaps most importantly, he also figured out that the name “boxer shorts” is derived from shorts worn by actual boxers which felt absolutely revelatory until he told some “friends” about it in his 38th Zoom chat of the day, and was met with blank nods as they waited for what the big news was. “Fuck ‘em!” he said as he muted himself, between walnut raisin swallows. To top that off, Jamie’s doorbell rang yesterday and it was his neighbor (not the cokehead with 18 pack abs - the one in the apt on the other side. You know, the crankhead with an 18 pack of Cuckoo), who scolded him for throwing away the mail he received from the US Census Bureau. As much as Jamie is craving human connection right now, he didn’t ask for that interaction in his life. But it happened, and now it’s for all of us to contemplate.
We BOTH discovered (along with the rest of the world) that Netflix docu-series Tiger King is an unbelievable carnival of narcissism, with impossibly bizarre humans using big cats as bait to create cult followings and con vulnerable people into indentured servitude, sexy-zoo style. In other words: ! We hope the afterlife of the main cast consists of an eternity of revenge-style reckonings with big cats who are finally free to do as they wish. (This feels like too mean of a thing to waste our time and wishes on, and like completely un-Dynasty, so maybe strike that from the record. But we DO wish that humans were kinder to animals or left them all together alone.) **SPOILERS AHEAD** A few other takeaways: floral crowns are cancelled, contracts of marriage should not be entered under duress or the influence of meth, for godsakes never trust a man named Bhagavan, breast implants should only be pursued for personal reasons; not to accrue sick days, getting your arm torn off is the ultimate way to accrue sick days AND zoo cred in big cat world so flarpin’ milk that, and if you’re a Walmart guns-section floor manager and a wildly unstable man asks you to manage his campaign… SAY NO. Even if campaign management is your dream, THIS IS THE WRONG CAMPAIGN. CHOOSE ANOTHER ADVENTURE. LEAVE OKLAHOMA, LEAVE THE AMMO SECTION OF WALMART AND FIND YOUR PEOPLE, JOSHUA. **END OF SPOILERS**
Another mutual discovery: we’re feeling the true gravity of this time IN WAVES. We’re cycling through complicated emotions constantly; mourning for the world, feeling flashes of our own small every-day grief, frustration, numbness and denial, but still, gratefully, finding joy in connecting with others and of course the therapy of laughter. When we put on shows at the theater (which was somehow only three weeks and a lifetime ago) we took the responsibility and privilege of having people in our space and on the stage very seriously. And we’re very excited to be able to do that again for all of you, because we now have even more clarity on the importance of human connection, a reinvigorated excitement to create beautiful experiences, and heaps of gratitude for everything that’s happened in our lives to-date.
Until we can open our doors to you again, know that our hearts (AWWW!!!) remain open and welcoming and are just getting mushier all the time. Lots more below (including so many great new graphics from our graphics man Dan), so keep reading, follow us on Instagram, and we truly love you all!
— Jamie + Vanessa
Our First Pandemic
Dearest Darlings-
Like so many other places, we have decided to close our doors for public shows until further notice.
But we will persevere!
AND SO WILL YOU! Please take care of yourself and your loved ones, make those difficult calls in the name of safety and health knowing that it’s truly for the good of humanity, and remember that at some point in the not-so-distant future we’ll all be looking around, hugging each other, and impressed that we were able to flarpin’ overcome.
As for us? As it is our foremost mission to entertain, enchant and inspire, we're actively looking for new ways to achieve those goals in a time where it is arguably needed more than ever. Oh, and also we’re gonna desperately try to STAY AFLOAT (given that we’re a business that, to this point, has been based on the gathering of humans).
If you’re a fan of what we do and would like to help us and are in a position to (please don’t stretch yourself!) we’d really, really appreciate your support. We want to weather this and we also truly want to keep making magical things for our amazing community because it’s our whole flarpin’ life’s purpose and that’s not even hyperbole. Oh, how we WISH our life’s purpose was running Amazon! Or being the worst president ever! Or that we were Mr. Paul Purell and Ms. Linda Lysol!
BUT WE’RE #DYNASTY ‘TIL WE #DY! (HOPEFULLY IN 80+ YEARS!)
Ways you can support Dynasty during this pandemic:
Get a ticket (as many as you wish!) to support Dynasty. This ticket will gain you first ACCESS to updates on li
ve streams, podcasts, and the other creative projects we’ll undertake as we navigate this shift. Your ticket purchase will help us survive this time and keep us ready for a quick rebound! You can look forward to these things starting to pop up as early as next week!Shop in our online souvenir shoppe! Get a Dynast-Tee or enamel pin to wear around the living room. Or grab a Dynasty gift card! We’ll open again at some point, and hey! You can use your gift card then!
Tune in! Watch as we spread our production company wings (without spreading germs!) and start… producing things! Your spirit, feedback, likes, and shares will let us know what to make more of (and what to put out of its misery.)
Be patient and calm. We’re all experiencing this for the first time. Let’s all make a DynastyBuddyPact™ to be kind and understanding.
Pop Your Own DynaPop (PYODP) Will it be the same? Plainly put: no. Will it still be corn? Sure. And that’s something.
More to come on new creative developments, but in the meantime be safe, be healthy, find joy, and be kind to one another.
VanJam
Dynasty Dygest: March 10th
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stuff because there are a great deal of things that are still normal. In fact, take a moment to look around you and realize how okay and functional (or at least normally dysfunctional) things still are. <<Take a few deep breaths.>> You got this! We got this! We love you! We truly hope you are all safe, healthy, and making choices that allow you to feel secure while still enjoying your life. Here at the theater, we’re well aware of the intense vibrations of the time, and we’re taking extra care regarding all cleaning protocol (which, to be clear, has always been a very high priority here because we want aim to enchant, and enchantment needs to SPARKLE baby!) and also have created a NEW position (because sooooomeone has to bolster this economy!) entitled Grand Sanitizer, who walks the line in Safety Dress dispensing hand sanitizer to the audience before they enter the building. In short, we’re taking this very seriously but we remain committed to “the art of the experience.” (Also the title of an e-book we’re working on. The “e” is a triple threat in this case: it stands for “enchantment, experience, and electronic. PRETTY FLARPIN’ COOL, RIGHT?!)
(honestly, our #1 top favorite dreamform™). Adam Sandler lives up to his hype, and his performances were a reminder of why #Sandlergate happened in the first place; he’s so damn good at what he does that a person would rightfully be ENRAGED to miss an opportunity to see him. Sunday night ROB SCHNEIDER was a surprise guest to the delight of everyone. The show was amazing and chock full of new material and songs…. HOW DOES HE DO IT?!
Dynasty Dygest: Feb 25th
Whitmer Thomas! Mary Beth Barone! Byron Bowers! and more!
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Slice o’ Heav’n: Saturday’s Dynasty Tonight! was an epic pageant of talent and also a parade of our staff! Pizza was consumed! Headliners shone! Magic astounded! Our carpet had to be moved to accommodate the fake severing of a fake conjoined twin so the fake blood could really drip on the stage.
FORRESTER, painter/performer TAYLOR BOS and more! Potentially... WAY MORE. 
Dynasty Dygest: Feb 18th
This week, we’ve got some fun things to share! You'll never believe number 9!
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parking was doable. It was our first trip to this venue. It was cute and the bathrooms were CLEAN and “non-gendered” which is obviously wonderful, especially for Paul because he didn’t “blow it” by going into the wrong designation, something he’s done more than once at #thepantages because the doors are distracting there. New paragraph. We love Sandy but haven’t seen her live in a while, so we were overjoyed and our moods very "up" unlike when we go to see and “cover” more dramatic theater. We wore our flashiest blazers hoping the lady of the hour (Sandra Bernhard) would interact with us during the show, as we love when that happens and we, the audience, get to feel like we are also the talent. She did not, but she did wink at our section and said “I love you” in a general way that managed to feel intimate. That’s Sandy for you. Irreverent, INTELLIGENT, magnetic, appealing. Very New York. Very chic. We stayed for the meet and greet. We got a great photo (Mr B’s eyes look better closed anyway HA) She was so nice. Also fun, Mimi (Mariah Carrey) and Sandy have made peace. Anything is possible! As we always sign off on our column: ~LIVE, LOVE AND…LEAVE THE DRAMA ON THE STAGE =) SIGGY & PAUL 
#thepantages, but that’s part of the charm of this place: really funky people making strange choices. If it wasn’t something in someone’s nose, it was a nose on someone else’s something! I’m talking about the dancefloor of course, which was jam packed with partygoers (lovers and loners) shaking their #butts to popular contemporary tunes spun by DJ Dax. At one point my #butt knocked into the #butt of a man dressed as a giant bird! I hope the bathrooms are also non-SPECIED! Ha! That night I fell in love again: with theater, with Dynasty, with Siggy. My rock. Let’s just hope she never puts an EARRING in her NOSE! (Good for others but seems like it might get in the way when we’re smooching. YES, WE STILL SMOOCH which we’ll do on our rescheduled Valentine’s Day tradition of #steak.) ~LIVE, LOVE AND…LEAVE THE DRAMA ON THE STAGE;) SIGGY & PAUL
Photo Recap: Dynastyland Valentine's
Valentine’s Dynastyland was a fluffy pink dream, full of bonkers delights!
Valentine’s Dynastyland was a fluffy pink dream, full of bonkers delights! 💕 DYNGO! Little shows in the Root Cellar Cabaret, Dancing, puzzling, puffing, and a whooooole lotta Tarot! Lovers and loners coexisting! Galentines grinding! Magic and merriment and all the good things. Thank you for being our sweethearts, darlings! 💋 📸: @justjash 🔥
Dynasty Dygest: Feb 10th
BRAND, BERNHARD, BARONE! + VALENTINES FOR LOVERS & LONERS!
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ted variation, not like, same-same) this week. Highlights of the last week include: an engrossing conversation on passion & finance from ADAM DAVIDSON and ADAM MCKAY, two non-ironic uses of singing bowls (Go!Day and Greg Barris’ Deep Healing), getting to know our THEATER LIGHTS more intimately and creating four amazing new lightscapes which were introduced to our audience at Saturday’s Dynasty Tonight by Clamzys (our seashell footlights) and Ruggy (our rug.) If you can’t wrap your noggin around that then hunnney, you are reading the wrong newsletter! New lightscapes include: Aquatown: Real Life, Underwater. Sedona Cave: Sunset. The Powder Room. And Sadboy & Happyguy: A Lightstory. Last week, we wrote you as but humble theater proprietors. Today, we write you as SEASONED LIGHTING DESIGNERS. What an EXPECTED thrill. There will be more. A LOT more.
Yesterday was a regular ding-dang Dynasty Darling hang-out day at the theater and we’re still flarpin’ flying high from it! The Go!Day G’Oscars were a huge success, POPPY themself handing out Linnys (Lindt-awards) to some of our favorite folks. And then our friend and favorite DAVE HOLMES came over and hosted our live stream party! We all grew as people for and as really came together as a family during the Eminem performance. 
Dynasty Dygest: Feb 3rd
PROOPS TONIGHT! ADAM MCKAY! OSCARS WATCH PARTY! GO! DAY! What color carpet do you like?
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and against it. The weird extra R, the varying length, the housing of Valentine’s day which you either love or love to hate (or are ambivalent towards, but intensive #marketresearch has revealed that hyperbole is more fun in a newsletter than nuanced truths, and we paid a LOT for our market research team, so we listen!) February here at Dynasty is like the perfect box of truffles for our Darlings, curated by someone who really knows your impeccable taste and adorable complexities. See our monthly calendar below and get all twitterpated and goo-goo eyed.
with more eye contact.) Mark Normand delivered two amazing special tapings to two sold-out crowds, WorkJuice imrprov'ed so damn hard, Joe Machi was a delight, Russell Brand expanded our consciousnesses’ (again: watch out cocktail parties! again: we’ll still burp on command, but now with more presence), Everything’s Great was great n’ everything! Saturday we started February with a Dynasty Tonight that was a flarpin’ love-heart delight with a line-up of our favorite folks. Sunday took a break from being the Lord’s day and became SHAKIRA and J. LO’s day. Whatever virgin’s blood they’re drinking, pour us a DOUBLE honey! But perhaps last week’s most notable moment: while dancing to a vocalized slow version of 
Dynasty Dygest: Jan 28th
ALLADIN TALK! GREG PROOPS! THE RETURN OF WORJKUICE! JOE MACHI! A LOT MORE!
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down. It looks SO maternal until she slips a disc (skeletal, not frisbee!) and will be out of commission for even longer. They may or may not be writing this newsletter in a reclined position while riding a magic carpet woven by a prescription narcotic. Where will THIS journey take us, sweet darlings? Re: Magic carpets, can someone tell me why they remade Aladdin? Such a true and deep disappointment. Will Smith has many merits but should never be held up comedically in such close proximity to Robin Williams... it’s just not a good look. Will DOES look great by Jada though, superficially speaking. Their height difference is… exhilarating. But, make no mistake, though Jada be but little she is powerful! She’s making BIZZNASSS calls from her booster seat at the table (inside joke for all Table Talk fans!!!!) honey! (
entitlement at it’s finest. But please, GOOOO ONNNNNN
